so much drama going on in mai lyfe rite now....not like n e really cares...o wellz...

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dear DIEary-

blah..not much going on wid me....well yea there is...but not much that u would want to read..mai lyfe is juss the same old boring shit everyday...
haha...celebration todai....ive been sober for a month!!..wo0t..nd wot do i do to celebrate?....drink again....ha.....im such a loser...i need to get a lyfe..ha..ha..i say..HA!..
damn...i got problemz..yea..i already noe...

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sigh...i can't help maiself...it seems like im always hurting others..or maiself..

last night isaac said sumthing to me that really got me thinking..

(im one those suicidal depressed goth /wiccan freaks...nd the reason i broke up wid mai last ex is cuz he couldn't really take me for wot i really was...he only liked me wen i would be all happy nd cheerful nd shit...but wen he started to see more of the real me i guess he got frightened..he didn't want me to be that way...so i thought it be best if we juss broke up...i dun wanna be wid a guy who can't take me for who i really am)

so...baq to isaac...exactly a month nd a day (how long me nd mai ex were togehter ) after we first exchanged our "i love yours"i asked him if he could accept me...then i went on tellin him bout why i brok up wid mai last bf...nd he said that he could accept me...even though it bugs him at times....he can still stand it...nd im happy that he said that....nd now it's been exactly two months since our first "i love yous"...but.....wot he said to me last nite.....*sigh*...i feel like i'm only gonna hurt him in the end....anyone that i have ever trusted nd gotten close to has ended up getting hurt by me...or i get hurt...i juss dunno if i wanna go through that again...i love him to death..i seriously do....but i dun want him gettin hurt over me....

see...i kinda have this sixth sense where i kinda know wen things are gonna happen...i don have premonitions....nd dont use a crystal ball or woteva u mite think this crap is about....but seriously...i juss have these "feelings"....or sumtimes dreams....or wot mite happen...or how another person is feeling.....

ex- one of mai friends, roni, nd her boyfriend (one of mai former crushes), adrian, were together for a long time...or at least the longest roni has ever been wid n e one....everyone thought they were perfect together...at least i didn't....at the time i juss thought that maybe it was jealousy that she got the guy nd i didn't..but later i found out that it wasnt' bcuz of that...i started getting these "feelings"...or intuition....bout 3 or 4 months they started dating...i told adrian...cuz i was closer friends to him than roni...nd he juss didn't believe me...he thought i was juss makin it up....haha...guess wot...in 2 weeks...roni decided to have a "break"...adrian was devastated but i told him not to worri..it wasn't gonna last bcuz later she'd realize how devoted he is to her....in one week she got baq together wid him.....wonderful huh?..yet even though they seemed happy nd all....it still wasn't meant to be...i told adrian to be careful around her...nd be careful bout wot he said or did....3 weeks later roni had this stupid fight wid him bout him not supporting her in her decisions.....bad choice adrian......but they eventually resolved it....then school got out nd i lost contact for awhile nd went travelling wid mai parents....wen i came baq i had this sudden sinkin feelin.....i asked adrian how it was wid roni.."she broke up wid me last week...this time she meant it"....tsk.....they were both hurting soo much but i dun want that to happen to isaac...i dun want that to happen to me either....

it mite sound selfish....but is it really selfish to juss not want n e more pain?...for you or sumone else u love?...i feel like i need to get away frm isaac...or at least he needs to get away from me....cuz soon...im gonna hurt him....bad....nd he mite turn away from me...or he wont..i dunno....but all i noe is that i'm gonna hurt him....nd in return....its gonna hurt me too.....

so juss leave me alone.....plz.....
sum ppl mite wonder y i never get any comments frm friends...or even have a "friend list"...its cuz no one else noes i made this site.....this is mai sanctuary to write out wot i really feel widout being judged by those i no nd those that i mite hurt or hurt me baq....this is juss mai secret way of letting out emotions rather than wot other ppl mite prefer (violence)...wellz..i guess thats all i gotta say...

if ya wanna go see a happier me.....go check out mai xanga... www.xanga.com/satanz_kitty .....its not as bad as this site...i think..

...:::misanthr0pe:::...

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...so shocked...i actually got 2 votes....TWO VOTES...hehe..

sigh..n e wayz...the ppl who actaully read this mite have noticed that i dun write those lameass entries where i juss talk about wot i did todai..or wot i bought...or who i talked too.....yea...those kinda of pointless entries...but..well i juss this mite count as one....

yea..imma freshi...nd we had this career day thingy in school....and there were 4 guest speakers already selected for everyone...well..i only liked two of them...i gots a entrepreneur (didn't like)....insurace agent (didn't like)..metal health consultant (liked a lot..)..nd a slp....speech &language pathologist (liked a lot too)...hehe..i guess i like those jobs better when i no im actaully able to help ppl work out their problems..mentally nd physically...

i enjoy psychology a lot..i mean A LOT...hehe...i think its really interesting how the mind works...nd emotions nd stuff....i always try to get into other ppl's business to help them wid there problem..or juss be there to listen wen they need a person to listen too....



haha....but the funni part of this is....im totally contradiction maiself...im a total pesismist....nd even i dun get why i enjoy helping others so much....usually..i wouldn't give a damn bout others nd how crapped up their lives are...well...sumtimes that happens...but most of the time i juss think the world sux and everyone in it should juss die.....PUWHAWHAWHA....hehe..yea...

um...so i guess there wasn't really a point to this entry...

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curse infatuation...y is it that even though u love someone...(or yur pretty sure that u do) those great hormones are still at work?...i mean..i love this guy a lot..but i cant help it if..i dunno..if i start liking another guy..

mentally-i dont want to like n e more ppl..i juss want to have the love i have now..i wanna forget about other guys nd juss commit to this one...
emotionally-hormones..those raging hormones..y cant they juss give it a rest......but there's also another factor in this problem...

kinda like one tree hill (that new show on wb)...see..i confessed my love to this guy nd he says that he loves me baq...but theres juss so many reasons y we aren't together rite now....

for example~~before~~ (i posted this on mai xanga wen i didn't confess to him yet) i said stuff about how after i would confess obviously sumthing would have to happen...either we stay friends..or we get together.....
friends-its great..i mean really...but i juss wouldn't be able to get out of mai mind what would happen if we were supposed to get together...there'd always be this "what if" in mai mind.........
together-i like this too...but..i mean..not all relationships last...eventually we'd break up (unless we go into marraige or sumthing..haha)...nd..well..a lot of ppl that i noe..they not exactly great friends wid their exes...heck..even im not......so there would have to be some tension between us...i mean nothing stays perfect forever....so i'd probably prefer the first option........

~~now~~...after he read that...he kinda agreed that we should stay friends....but some other reasons are cuz of his religion...or his parents.....so i guess that...yes...we do love eachother...nd we are...i juss a "couple"..juss not "officially"..cuz we're not going out...but i dunno...

because of the fact that we're not going out..i juss feel like i still wanna be wid other guys...not like that..but i mean still be able to flirt around wid other guys...be close wid them widout mai conscience thinking this is the wrong thing to do.....gosh..its juss so confusing...i guess it's cuz im still young...
mentally i want to commit maiself to him...but emotionally...er..hormoney?...i still want to be open for other guys....esp if this guy doesn't happen to be mr. rite.....
sigh...im soo confused...

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...sigh...y is it that everything seems to always go wrong for me..i mean i'm not sayin that mai lyfe is absolutely worse than others...ie the poor hobos nd ppl living out in da streets...but im juss wondering y i gotta live such a cursed life...

im not religious or n e thing..(i guess im kinda wiccan)...but im starting to feel like im a jonah...i think that wot her name is...from da bible...isn't she supposed to be the girl who destroys everyone she loves but she doesn't mean to do it...or juss sumting bout hurting the ones who love her...well i guess i can kinda say that i'm like that...or maybe im more of a king midas...the guy who destroys everything he loves and causes himself more pain.....

tsk...y is it that wenever i try to get close to sumone....or put mai trust in someone...sumthing bad always happens...for once..juss once..would i like sum good to happen..i dun mean like find 20 dollars on da ground...or win a car (even though dat would be nice)...i want sumthing relationship related good to happen....

every time i actaully put mai heart into sumthing it always gets ruined...or i end up ruinin it...y is it that i always get hurt unintentionally?.....

it juss sux how some people live their lives all great no matter how poor or rich they are...they juss seem to always enjoy life nd life enjoys them...i've tried being like that...i've tried enjoying life...but it juss doens't work that way...i guess im juss not meant to live a lyfe like that.....

maybe i should juss becom a hermit...live in some isolated area....and live mai lyfe alone...where no one can bother me nd i can bother no one....wouldn't that be better.....wouldn't it be a better society if we were to get rid of all the pessimistics?...honestly..i dun think so...cuz the good can live widout the evil....so i guess the blessed cant live widout the cursed...
gosh...y does lyfe have to be so complicated.....

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